


Puzzled

by glazedsun



Series: Stigmatized [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-03-08 08:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3203213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glazedsun/pseuds/glazedsun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brent's fallen in love with Jonathan, and has to figure out what to do with those feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> takes place starting in jonathan's rookie year. written as a fill for a song prompt, "you can't always get what you want".

_prologue._

When Brent offered his house to the young rookie, he hadn’t been sure what to expect. He had been sure he was prepared at some level. And, perhaps, he had been. After all, he had lived with Duncan Keith for a year. If he and his best friend never killed each other, surely he could live with anyone, right? Sure. As it turned out, however, that wasn’t the problem. On the surface, living with Jonathan Toews wasn’t even that bad. He was clean, which meant he never messed up Brent’s kitchen. He could cook, meaning less kitchen fires and takeout boxes. The kid was serious and determined, which Brent thought was great and all, but he needed to relax. Slowly but surely, though, he was getting Jonathan to let loose. It was a slow process, but it was a challenge. Brent could never turn down a challenge. That wasn’t the problem, either.

The problem itself was one he couldn’t actually solve. It wasn’t a matter of not knowing the solution to the puzzle, not this time. This puzzle had to be one that sat unopened on the shelf, like a cherished collectable. Simply opening the puzzle would be disastrous, and trying to solve it? In Brent’s mind, there were no good solutions, only negative, potentially dangerous, ones.

In the end, was the problem even Jonathan? No, perhaps not. The problem was Brent himself. Even more than that, though, the problem lay in the feelings that Brent had slowly started developing toward the younger man. Jonathan’s parents, the coaches and everyone in the office, the fucking _team_ , they had all trusted him to just make sure to look out for the future star. Whatever he was feeling, Brent was pretty sure that it was the complete opposite of ‘looking out‘. That was why he internalized the puzzle that was his attachment to Jonathan Toews. Instead, he focused on the larger puzzle of Life as each new piece revealed itself.

_part one._

It had started in January. At least, January was when Brent first noticed it. Had it just been festering even longer? Maybe, maybe not. It took Jonathan’s injury, more specifically the aftermath, for the realization to dawn on him. He had done his best to try and make Jonathan comfortable and take care of him. There wasn’t much he could do, but he tried his absolute hardest. It was just how he did everything, especially when it was for a hurting friend. Despite all that, he still felt a nagging worry that Jonathan was pushing him away. He tried to get to the bottom of it, but he wasn’t great with expressing himself and Jonathan wasn’t one to talk about personal issues. It hurt, but he could sympathize. When he’d had to deal with injuries and miss games, he’d always put on a brave face so that his teammates wouldn’t press too hard about it. When that didn’t ease the hurt as much as he’d hoped, he slowly began to fit the pieces of that puzzle together.

He didn’t want to just be another teammate. He wanted to be more than that for Jonathan, and it freaked him out. The problem wasn’t Jonathan’s gender. Brent had been aware of his attraction to other men since he was a teenager, even if he hadn’t been able to say those two words out loud, even to himself. The problem was… well, he was _Jonathan_. Quite possibly his future captain… and most definitely straight. No, the strange hopes and desires he had needed to end.

It was easier than he thought to focus enough on hockey. In fact, Brent was so focused on hockey and the team around him that he nearly forgot those strange feelings of wanting to really take care of Jonathan by the time he was able to play again. Once Jon was back on the ice, it was easier for them to get back to the way things were, clicked back into their own unique routine. Almost as if nothing within Brent had changed.

_part two._

Then came April. Both his and Jonathan’s birthdays were in April, and there was no way Brent could pass up the opportunity for a party. Sure, Jon and Kaner were under aged, but that wasn’t going to stop Brent. The party would be at his and Jon’s house, and they’d both be staying there. He may have been reckless to encourage underage drinking, but at least he was making sure they would be safe. It was hardly their first time drinking, anyway. As he had hoped, the party itself turned out to be pretty epic. A few of the guys trickled out late into the night (or was early in the morning?), but many just wound up crashing in various corners and couches in his house. That was fine with Brent; truly, it was more than fine. Sure beat having any of his teammates trying to drive home drunk, and he liked having so many people around. Neither he nor Jon made it to their rooms that night. If they had, things may have gone differently. But things aren’t ever that simple, are they?

Instead, they fell asleep together on the loveseat, after watching… well, Brent couldn’t really remember what. One of his teammates was making an ass of himself, that’s all he knew for sure. Then he woke up, Jonathan’s head on his shoulder and body pressed against his side as if he were trying to warm himself with Brent’s body heat. The initial grogginess sure faded fast, and Brent had to take a deep breath to keep himself from panicking. His first reaction should have been to move Jon over, get up and walk away. That wasn’t what Brent truly wanted to do, though. He wanted to wrap his arm around Jonathan, pull him in tighter, and just… watch him sleep. Even, dare he say, kiss the young man who looked so peaceful at that moment. It was that thought that set off the panic alarms deep inside Brent. He couldn’t let Jon wake up like this, especially not while Brent was staring at him.

With a reluctant sigh, Brent made his decision. The only way to solve this problem was to do what was right, not what he actually wanted. Making sure not to wake the sleeping man, he maneuvered his way off the couch, propping the pillow against the arm of it so Jonathan could lay down more on the loveseat. Once he was sure the young forward was settled, he let out one last half-sigh before trudging down the hall and up the stairs to his bathroom.

Not once did he notice Patrick Sharp watching him through half-open eyes.


	2. Part Two

_part three._

Another season, another early summer. They had come closer that year to achieving their hopes of a playoff spot, but it hadn’t been close enough. Brent had expected that summer to go as the last couple had. His summers had consisted of time spent with family in Canada, sharing a place with his younger brother, relaxing for a couple of months before the heavy training began. Life’s puzzle threw a different piece into the mix that summer, however. That small piece in Life’s puzzle soon added a much larger, darker, piece to the Jonathan Toews puzzle.

The Blackhawks organization was doing something new that summer: a convention. For three days, fans would be able to participate in all sorts of activities. Truth be told, Brent had spaced out during the initial explanation the team had been given when it was first announced. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but flying by the seat of his pants would have to do. It wouldn’t be the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last.

For Brent, the highlight of the whole event was probably the most simple. His heart had swelled with pride when he watched his Mister Serious officially become Captain Serious. Captain Serious. It had a nice ring to it, he’d have to get in the habit of using it. Hearing Jonathan speak made him proud as a teammate, and as a friend.

The only bad part was that it also brought that festering wound closer to the surface. It had damn near healed while he was home, away from the reminders. So he thought, anyway. As it turned out, the wound was infected. He realized that as he took in the sight of Jonathan now wearing the “C”. Those weren’t just casual feelings. He was in love with Jonathan Toews, and there was nothing he could do about it.

_part four._

After the convention, Brent returned home to Canada for a few weeks to work himself until he forgot about the love that he had for his teammate. It couldn’t work between them, he managed to convince himself in one of the rare moments he actually let himself think on it. Not only did Jonathan not want him, they were opposites in so many ways. Every reason he could possibly think of, Brent tried to use it to get over what he felt.

It almost worked, too. Almost, until he tried hooking up with someone one drunken night. All he could think of was Jonathan, not the man actually underneath him. He had kicked the man out before either of them got off, ignoring the frustrated insults. A week later, and it was the same story, different man. Only that time, he couldn’t bring himself to ask him to leave. After they had finished and he left, Brent felt the guilt wash over him. He couldn’t even remember the guy’s name. For all he knew, he had called him Jon. He hoped not, but he had been so lost in trying to focus on not thinking that he couldn’t be sure.

By the time Brent got back to Chicago, there had been a handful of nameless, faceless, men. While none of them filled the void, it had been a decent enough distraction. He just prayed it was distraction enough that he could push the feelings away and focus on nothing but preparing for the upcoming season. It would have been enough, too, if the biggest, and most shocking, puzzle piece of all hadn’t thrown him off.

_part five._

Training camp started off better than Brent anticipated. He was enjoying seeing everyone again, catching up and meeting new guys. For Brent, there was little better than getting out onto the ice and skating next to Duncan for the first time that season. It was a fresh start, and there was no one he would rather have by his side. It truly did feel like a fresh start for Brent, not just on the ice but off. His head felt clearer than it had since he had first put the pieces together to discover his love for his captain. Things could be good for him, after all.

So he thought.

That all changed when he stayed on the ice after everyone else one day, working through some drills that he’d had more trouble with than usual that afternoon. Once he was satisfied with what he could get done in a day, Brent headed back to the locker rooms for a shower. Most of his teammates had already left, so it was much quieter than usual by the time he stepped out of the shower. He took his time changing, enjoying the solitude for a change. The emptiness made it easier for him to pick up on other sounds, and he thought he heard something coming from the next room. That confused Brent, because he was sure all of the trainers had already left. He stood up to investigate, leaving the shirt he’d been working on unbuttoned.

He should have expected it to come, and yet that didn’t take away from the intense shock that Brent felt once he found the source of the noise. Sure that they were alone, Jonathan and Kaner had snuck into the trainer’s room, where they were currently making out on one of the massage tables. Brent made a strangled sound, panic suddenly kicking in when he realized that both young men heard him. He tried to flee, but there was no way Jon was letting him get away that easily. After pleading with Brent not to tell anyone, Jonathan explained that he and Patrick had been together since the end of the season… and that he planned to move out of Brent’s house to a condo closer to Patrick.

Double Whammy.

Brent kept as stoic of a face as he could manage during Jon’s explanation, but he felt as if he had just been punched in the gut. He kept expecting the little red Whammies to jump out of the nearby desk, laughing at him like this was all some sick joke or horrible nightmare.

It wasn’t a nightmare, though, nor was it a game show. It was life, and his world had just come crashing down around him. Somehow, Brent managed to get out a promise to Jonathan that he wouldn’t tell anyone, then found himself wandering down the hall to finish getting his things together. Was three in the afternoon too early to get shit-faced drunk? At that moment in time, Brent found that he really didn’t care.

That was not the final piece of the puzzle he had been expecting.


	3. Part Three

_part six._

The next several weeks went by for Brent in a shock-induced haze. He felt utterly numb as he helped Jonathan pack up his things and helped him move into his new place. The whole time, he refused to let himself think about it or show Jon that anything was wrong. Brent couldn’t feel; all he could do was make the motions. He fell into a routine once he was alone again in his house, letting the numbness become a part of his life. It was a state of mind he just accepted without question, only putting on an act if it was necessary.

As the season progressed, however, it became harder and harder. Because Brent knew about their relationship, Patrick and Jonathan weren’t as careful around him as they were all of their other teammates. They took his lack of a reaction as him being okay with them being a little more touchy-feely or lovey-dovey than usual around him. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He put up with it, but it made him feel downright uncomfortable. There was no way he could tell them that, though, because it would mean one of two equally horrible things. Either he would have to admit to his feelings for Jonathan, or he would have to let them think he was uncomfortable with the idea of two male teammates together. The latter, of course, couldn’t be further from the truth. He couldn’t bring himself to face either solution, though, least of all admitting to his feelings. So he just dealt with it.

It was plain as day that Jonathan was happy, maybe happier than Brent had ever seen him. The last thing that he wanted to do was ruin that. For that reason, and that reason alone, he continued to push his feelings aside. He remained in a near-constant state where it felt like reality was suspended, and he was just walking through the motions, his mind in a fog. The only place the fog ever fully lifted from him when he was out on the ice. On the ice, Brent felt like he was home. On the ice, next to his defensive partner and in front of his goalie, he felt right. He felt alive.

_part seven._

As the season got underway, Brent found it more and more difficult to keep neutral about the whole situation. While the young stars didn’t flaunt their relationship in front of him, they had continued to grow even more comfortable with the fact he just didn’t react. At first, Brent continued to try and just ignore his feelings, figuring eventually they would go away. When that didn’t work, he knew that he needed to try and get over Jonathan. It was easier said than done, however, and that piece of the puzzle was difficult to fit in at just the right spot.

Not being able to even talk to anyone about the whole situation slowly began to eat away at Brent, like acid working in overdrive. Still, he did his best to keep it all inside and focus on what was most important: hockey. His team depended on him, and he would do his absolute best to live up to that, no matter the cost. Knowing that he could have been the one to make Jonathan happy if he’d just had the courage to admit to it in the first place had to be a non-factor for Brent, at least on the ice. It was difficult, but he was doing a good job of it.

So he thought.

Just under a month into the regular season, Brent found himself cornered by a very concerned Patrick Sharp. A few of the guys, he explained, had noticed how withdrawn Brent had been for a couple weeks. Brent did his best to try and protest, but with every excuse, Patrick saw right through him. He was one of the guys on the team who knew Brent best, and one of the few who could read through every lie or covered emotion. When Brent realized there was no way to get Patrick to let it slide, he finally caved. There was no sense in holding it back any longer, even if he didn’t tell Patrick the full truth.

Patrick dragged Brent to his hotel room, making sure to kick Adam out, suggesting he go fail at picking up girls while Patrick performed damage control. Eventually, Adam left, but not before taking the opportunity to smack Patrick on the back of the head. Once he was gone, Patrick and Brent sat down in silence, both waiting for the other to start talking.

It took awhile, but Brent finally relaxed enough to start to talk. As soon as he found out that Patrick had seen him back in April, and therefore had some idea of what was going on, the words rushed out from Brent. Everything he had been holding in from the moment he first noticed his attraction to Jonathan up until catching Jon and Kane showering together the previous night came pouring out. He was vomiting out words and emotions, admitting to things he hadn’t even been able to admit to himself. All the while, Patrick sat and listened, watching with growing concern the effect that holding everything for so long in had had on Brent.

His story finished, Brent and Patrick sat and talked it all through. Despite feeling utterly drained in both a physical and emotional way, Brent felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders merely by saying everything aloud. There were many things that he and Patrick talked about, and while it wouldn’t immediately solve everything, he felt like he could begin living life again outside of the fog.

One thing, however, that Patrick said to him stood out more than anything else.

“It’ll be okay, Brent,” Patrick told him as he was getting up to go back to his own room. “Maybe who you need has been there in front of you all along. Sometimes the right person has been there all along, and you just need to open your eyes.”

Brent hesitated before walking out the door, looking back at Patrick with an expression that was both thoughtful and confused. Patrick merely smiled at Brent, then threw a pillow at him and told him to leave so that he could call his girlfriend. With a laugh, something that felt completely foreign to him, Brent turned and went back to his room.

_epilogue._

As the months went by, Brent began to feel more like a human again. Slowly but surely, he was coming to terms with the fact that Jonathan and Patrick were together, happy, and dwelling on it only made it worse. Thanks to rare talks on the subject with Sharp, Brent found himself almost ready to move on. It was the final piece of the puzzle, that elusive piece hiding on the floor under a chair leg. It was time to finish the puzzle, put it back on the shelf, and start anew with a fresh puzzle.

That puzzle revealed itself around the holidays. After neglecting his friends for the first month of the season, Brent began spending more time with them again. More than anyone else, he was spending more and more time with Duncan. In order to not be alone, they often spent the night at each others' place. More often than not, Brent would crash on Duncan’s couch or Duncan would stay in Brent’s guest room. There were nights, however, that they just fell asleep together in bed, thinking nothing of it. The more time that went on, the more customary it became for them to share the bed. They became even closer than they had ever been, and never noticed when their touches lingered longer than was normal for two male friends.

It didn’t stop others from noticing, however.

A few days before Christmas, Brent decided to invite Duncan, Sharp, and Adam over to just hang out. It was nothing fancy; they ordered pizzas, had beer, and watched movies. After the first movie and an impromptu UFC match, Patrick got up and announced that he and Adam were going to go buy more beer. Adam tried to protest, but Patrick gave him a look that had him pouting and following.

Once the two of them had left, Brent climbed back up on the couch to sit next to Duncan. Not only was he feeling better than he had felt in nearly a year, but with the help of the alcohol, he was feeling brave. He turned to look at the man sitting next to him, and for the first time in three years, he really _saw_ him.

Patrick Sharp, that bastard, was actually right.

For a few moments, moments that felt like an eternity, Brent and Duncan just sat there, looking at each other in silence. Searching. Gathering the courage, perhaps.

“Hey Duncs?” Brent asked, his voice more hushed than usual. He waited for Duncan to tilt his head in acknowledgement before continuing, “What would you say if I kissed you?”

“I’d say finally,” Duncan answered with a short laugh. Brent let out a hoarse laugh of his own before leaning in and pressing a kiss to the older man’s lips. It was a quick kiss at first. The kiss just felt right, though, so he leaned in for a longer kiss. Their lips pressed together in a tentative way at first, but as the kiss went on, they both relaxed into it. As the kiss progressed, Duncan reached up to brush his thumb along Brent’s jaw, letting out a soft sigh.

“Fucking finally,” Brent heard in the back of his mind, and he pulled away from the kiss with a whine to see who spoke. He tilted his head, glaring over his shoulder to see Patrick and Adam standing there, smirks on their faces. He muttered a string of curses at the two of them, leaning into Duncan and pressing his forehead against the smaller man’s shoulder to hide the redness that had crept into his face. He smiled when he felt Duncan press a kiss to the top of his head, shifting and turning back to face the television. With a triumphant thank you, Brent stole the unopened beer from Patrick’s hand, opening it and settling to lean against Duncan’s side, listening to Duncan and Adam argue over what movie they should watch next.

With everything that had gone on, somehow Brent had missed that Duncan had been his perfect puzzle piece from the very start. At that moment, however, Brent truly felt complete.


End file.
